Happy Thursday, everyone. It is Thursday, I believe. I don't know where I am. So according to a new poll, Bernie Sanders had the highest favorability rating among 23 potential 2024 presidential contenders, which is kind of like winning first place at an ugly baby contest. But here's how Bernie celebrated.
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Yeah. It's amazing he could still move so quickly, but he gets plenty of exercise running between his many houses, because he had like, three houses. If you guys didn't know that, that's why you didn't laugh. I understand. We'll edit that out. It's true 46% of respondents said they had at least a somewhat favorable view toward Sanders, but 41% said they had an unfavorable opinion and the rest asked, what's that smell?
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Now I do the math on this, but that's usually for Kat's benefit and she's still on her honeymoon. I know. I think we have tape of that.
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To be young and in hate. So what's it say about politics when the oldest, hairiest, most left wing person, is the most popular candidate and it's not Hillary? And yes, she is hairy, in a one piece she looks like George 'The Animal' Steele. That was for you, Tyrus.
Bernie even beat out the current president. I think we have footage of him.
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How can you laugh at that? That's terrible. You people are awful, huh. Trying to report the news and people. So anyway, Biden's unfavorability rating was way higher, too, at 52%. Joe Biden is so unpopular that monkeypox sent him a thank you note. Joe Biden is more unpopular than Ben and Jerry's new flavor, peanut butter and pork. And even though he's a year older, Bernie seems younger than Joe. Maybe because he doesn't catch a new case of COVID every 15 minutes. But to be fair, Bernie also beat out Vice President Kamala Harris, which isn't saying much. Right, Kamala?
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That's her responding to news that a nun was hit by a bus. I know. It's disgusting. She'd find mass murder hilarious and then bail out the murderer.
So why is Bernie still popular? Well, first of all, the media is soft on him, they don't poker-prod his beliefs. So like any good socialist, he expects and gets a free ride. But also it's on us voters who tend to find economics boring. And sadly, it's the boring stuff, you know, that kills you. But, what? Stop it. But I have a theory. I call it the old man theory. That's what I call most of my theories, in fact. That no matter how bad someone is at something, we forget about it once their hair turns white. Which could be the secret to Anderson Cooper's career.
Remember when you were growing up, everyone's grandparents were magical. But they can't be all that great, some had to be jerks, right? At least 10% of those adorable silver haired sweethearts were probably creeps 30 years ago. But age makes people seem more benign. It's why whenever you see an old inmate on death row, you think "oh, he can't be that bad. He's got close cropped white hair and librarian glasses, perfect for the parole board. Because how could this 78-year-old possibly hurt anyone? He could barely lift a chainsaw now."
Well, it's not about now. It's about then. You know, in the eighties, when this old guy was in his thirties dismembering hitchhikers in the back of his Jeep Wagoneer. They really were roomy back then. Try finding a hybrid with that kind of utility space, right? Sometimes you could fit two, three if they were dwarves, but I digress. Now, I'm not saying that Bernie Sanders is a serial killer, but I'm not not saying that Bernie Sanders is a serial killer. I'm going to let you decide. But if he isn't, why would he need to wear these gloves? Just asking a question.
But aging softens you, with a few of course notable exceptions. It would take more than age to make her sympathetic, maybe a blood transfusion and sending her face to the dry cleaner. So maybe it's time to shelve the belief that with age comes mellowed wisdom.
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Joe Biden proved that's not the case. He was a jerk back in the day and he's more of a jerk now. Aging had the same effect on him as the hot sun does on an uncovered bowl of egg salad. Except now the stuff Joe says about millions of Americans makes his oldness seem angrier and meaner as he divides and separates us, like his 1980s comb over. Yeah, look at that. You know, it is amazing how he was able to get all of his hair to grow back since then. How did he do that?
But getting older for Joe isn't the same for Bernie. It's the anger that Joe has about people. It's one thing Sanders understands that Joe doesn't. It's not the voters who are the problem. It's the policies and the leaders who push them. You shouldn't be raging at people you serve, especially when you're barely coherent to begin with.
The problem with Bernie, his policies suck harder than Brian Stelter trying to drink a McDonald's milkshake through a crazy straw. I know. I know he's gone, but I still can't let go.
And if you want to talk Russian collusion, look at the man who spent his honeymoon in the USSR. No wonder the Soviets collapsed a year later. Once a socialist, always a socialist, no matter the age. That's because of some costs. Once you believed in the very worst ideas for decades, it's impossible to let go, no matter how often you've been proven wrong. You already invested the time.
So for Bernie, socialism is like a baseball card collection that you just can't throw out. He may look like a kindly grandpa and smelled like one since his hippie days, but Bernie's policies don't bring us hard candy from a dish on the coffee table. They dish out hard times with his most destructive lefty nonsense yet to come.
